Lawyer Jokes pic thumbnailDon’t sue us if you or your colleagues die laughing at these jokes. If you do, you’ll hear from our attorneys, Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe!



These laughs are provided by Lawyers Insurance Group – Legal Malpractice Insurance Brokers. They’re updated periodically by our lead broker, Curtis Cooper, who announces each update on Twitter. Follow him at @IProtectLawyers.

Things People Really Said in Court:


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis – does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

JUDGE: “The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?”
DEFENDANT: “No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.”

Responses to Interrogatories answered by the wife in divorce case:

  1. Do you have a proposal to settle this case amicably?
    ANSWER: Yes.
  2. Assuming your answer to the preceding interrogatory is in the affirmative, please state such a proposal.
    ANSWER: Use a silver bullet or a wooden stake as is appropriate in these cases.

Q: You weren’t shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel..

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